JUNE 19: AN EXPERT ON CHILDREN ANSWERS PARENTS' QUESTIONS
Q: I have six children and am having trouble finding affordable accommodation.
A: Rent an apartment big enough for three children and simply build a mezzanine floor halfway up the wall.
Q: I gave my baby my wallet to distract her while we were out shopping, and she will not give it back to me. What shall I do?
A: Have her arrested under the Theft of Personal Property Ordinance. You may wish to ask your lawyer to recommend a lenient sentence in view of the fact that she is your infant.
Q: I want to buy fruit because it is healthy for children, but have you seen the price per kilo of a watermelon in the supermarket?
A: Forget the watermelon. Buy a kilo of imported blueberries instead. They're much lighter.
Q: I sometimes get my children's names mixed up, although I am only in my early forties. It may be early onset Alzheimer's. What shall I do?
A: Have each child's name permanently tattooed on his or her forehead. Not only will it make things easier for you, but their teachers will thank you too.
Q: Are you supposed to change an 18-month old child's nappy twice a day or three times a day?
A: I recommend changing it every 30 minutes, whether it needs to be changed or not. That way your baby always has a clean, fresh nappy to do her stuff into. (This answer is sponsored by Pompous Nappies Ltd.)
Q: We have one child and want another one. However, my husband says that we cannot afford it. What should I tell him?
A: Babies don't cost anything! They're free. Take your husband to the doctor and ask for leaflet A1-B, 'The Facts of Life'.
Q: I heard you are a feng shui expert. My child's bedroom is opposite the only toilet in the apartment. Is this bad luck?
A: You can get rid of the bad luck by nailing or superglueing the lid of the toilet down. When nature calls, just go to the nearest McDonald's.
Q: After giving birth to my third child, I discovered with horror that I don't like children. What shall I do?
A: In modern urban cities, any unwanted item (bookshelves, chairs, family members) can simply be left outside the apartment. Go out shopping for a couple of hours, and when you come back the surplus goods will have conveniently disappeared.
Q: I am a divorced man paying maintenance costs for my ex-wife and three children, and I barely have a dollar to myself at the end of the month. What can I do?
A: Always sit near large families in restaurants. First, they will remind you of your family, and second, when they leave, you can slide into their chairs and there will be enough cold chips and baked beans left to make a generous and thoroughly nourishing meal.
Q: My friends think I am boring because my children are called John and Mary. Please confirm that there is nothing wrong with favouring traditional names. By the way, I have seven childrenthree boys called John and four girls called Mary.
A: Why not give them an interesting middle name, such as Idiotschild?
Q: The doctor says I should feed my children healthy stuff like vegetables and fruit, but they won't eat it.
A: Slice courgettes and sweet peppers into chunky rectangles and dip them in melted chocolate. The kids still won't eat them, but at least you can tell the doctor you tried.
Q: I have at least seventy-five unwanted stuffed toys in my apartment. Most are teddy bears. Is there anything I can do with them them?
A: Write the words Teddy Bear Museum on your door and charge your friends and neighbours $50 to come in. They'll love it.
Q: We have moved to a small house with a tiny garden and my child has got into the habit of eating worms. What shall we do?
A: Sprinkle with freshly ground black pepper and drizzle with balsamic vinegar to bring out the flavour. Serve immediately before they wriggle off the plates.